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DEAREST MODERATION, YOURS FOREVER, INDULGENCE

A piece by @itzenzino

"you must sleep by 7 and wake by 7. you must eat the things we tell you to

eat and follow the rules we tell you to follow. no indulgences, of any kind,

will be tolerated. for the reputation of the house and beyond.

" ugh, how you

deal with that, i don't know. how are you living, darling? because this is

not it. this is not living in the slightest.

when push comes to shove, an indulgence is a guilty pleasure, yes? everyone

has one. even the ones that write those damn rules. look in the dictionary -

i know you have one on your desk right now - and the synonyms would be

satisfaction, fulfilment, humouring. fuck, even compassionate is said to be a

synonym of indulgence. in properly direct terms, indulgence is the act of

indulging, the act of allowing yourself to enjoy the pleasure of becoming

involved in an activity that is disapproved of. damn i sound like you, saying

all that, being all precise.

You know, in a more historical context, like in the roman catholic church - an indulgence was a sort of pardon given by the

pope, a remission of the temporary punishment of purgatory. the sins weren

't completely forgiven though, they were still 'due

'

until absolution, which was done during confession. oh, you know. I'

m pretty sure the only time you

'

ve been in church was for

confession that one time. I still smile when remembering how you made every single priest squirm in their seats. it'

s become

part of the hiring process now, to test if they can withstand temptation, as if that is not part of the job description of a priest

in the first place

right well, whether it is a sin that should be done behind closed doors or an

indulgence of something you know you know damn well you shouldn't do. you and

i both know, i am not a stranger to it. although i think it's funny. after

all, there is a damn good reason sins exist, and more often than not, they

are pleasure, yes? things to bring happiness. things to make life more . . .

fulfilling

a sin, in terms i can understand, takes us further from God. i don't fucking

know, I'm not catholic okay? wait okay I'm sorry let me just

Every culture has a different interpretation of sin. usually, a sin is a transgression against divine law or a law of the gods

themselves. regardless of which or what deity is worshipped. but yes, Catholics believe a sin, or sinning, takes us further from

God'

s word. that'

s how I remember it.

i was raised religious and yet, i have never been close with any of the gods

i should know. i do remember a time i was. when i would do anything and

everything to get into the big man's good graces. to make sure he would

always care and love me. following every rule and reading literature of every

kind to understand him and the reason he does such things, says such things

to his eldest. after all, is that not what a father is? a god to the child he

creates. a god to the house he commands. it's funny.. i have always

understood why i was to respect him, but like the biblical God, i have never

once understood why he is here if he was to do such things. was I notbiblical enough? motherfucker i did my best. i did everything i was told, to

the best of my abilities. of course i did. now are my abilities great? not

always but hey, i was a sickly child, cut me some slack. you can do that

once. you can cut me slack one time, big man.

You

'

re digging and spilling. if I didn

't know you, I would think you were sprouting nonsense. You cannot be angry, love. That

itself is sin. Everything has a place and there is always a reason. You, of all people know, the world is easy to manage once you

learn that. I'

m surprised you

'

ve forgotten. I'

m disappointed. You really shouldn

't say such things.

if indulgence in sin strays me further from him, i will gladly accept it. i

will take every sin i can, hold it in my cold hands and pray that it can

breathe life into me, caress me with care the way the gods never do. i pray i

can lay my head in its lap and let it whisper into my brain, that this will

heal me and i will never be in harm's way again. let its hands hold mine and

wrap themselves around me, keeping me in sanctuary, keeping me with them. i

pray the food i eat will always have someone on the other side, feeding me

with thought and wonder and concern. it was once you. it is still you. you

know me, you know that.

you should embrace it, the beauty of sin, the happiness it brings and the

pleasure it gives.

i mean fucking come on now. is it really that bad? is it truly terrible to be

terrible? is it truly the worst to be happy? why do the gods do this? deny us

happiness? does it make us more malleable? more passive? submissive enough to

be perfect soldiers, slaves, brides?

if they see us as animals, dogs to be trained, then why can't we simply prove

them right? biting and running,embracing nature just like the animals they

think we are.

we are humans. you must remember that, darling, WE ARE HUMANS. there is so

much we can do and they cannot stop us. why are you letting them stop you?

WHY?

You worry too much about me. I feel happy here, as much as I can be. You think differently because you have experienced it

differently now. but I am happy. I can swear I am. I am happy. If this is yet another call for me to run away with you, you

know my answer. It has not changed in years and I will indulge you, and this thinking, no longer.

i know already what you'll say. i know what you expect I'm going to do and so

i will not ask, nor will i complain about your choices. but i know you're a

logical one and i know that the more evidence i show you, the more you will

listen to me. so be it. i shall compile as much evidence and i will send them

all to you. i shall prove my indulgence is my strength.

i will eat the same thing over and over, never worrying about calories, never

going hungry again.i will rest for hours at a time, never once looking towards a desk, never

feeling burdened again.

i will look into mirrors, never hiding from them, never being ashamed of this

handsome face again.

i will go green at others’ lives, never being grateful for my own, never not

coveting again.

i will collect everything i want in life, never giving away, never letting

them take again.

i will bare my teeth to anyone like you, never bowing down, never getting

stepped on again.

and my favorite, my precious,my lust for life itself shall never dim again.

i will sleep away the days and eat cake for breakfast when i awake. i will

dance under the moonlight and kiss whoever asks, i will make myself as happy

as i can and i will waste away in ways i know will have me shouted at. i will

write a list of all those damn rules and i will make it a todo list, checking

them off one by one,

the gods gave us free will, my sweet

and we must use it well.